Getting the most from your I.T. department (i.e the Help Desk)

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Toronto like to keep abreast of what's going on.
31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

Helpdesk call

Problem: The computer by the window in office XX.NN is not working

Fair enough. I go to office XX.NN to see what the problem is.

My Problem...There is no computer by the window, in fact, there is no desk by the window.

I call the teacher that called with the problem, I wanted to verify the office number and if the problematic computer is in fact in that office.

Teacher: Of course the computer is in there, I was in there earlier today

Me: Really, are you sure the computer is by the window?

Teacher: Yes

Me: The only computer that was in that office was on the right side, as you walk in, wall....

Teacher: That's the computer that isn't working

Me: I see...That desk or computer aren't by the window

Teacher: Well, its close to the window

Me: [silence]

Teacher: Has it been fixed yet?

Me: No, not yet, I just wanted to confirm that I had the right computer in the right office. I'll fix it today.

Solution: Plug the computer's power cords into the electrical extension on the floor under the desk on the right side, as you walk in, wall

Why are some teachers so obtuse?

A teacher approached me today, she was having a problem with her network password. It was an easy fix, and she was about ready to go on her way.

"I have a presentation in a multimedia room tomorrow, what if I have a problem with logging in?"

she inquires.

I look at her, biting my tongue, and suggest that she go and check right now, today, so that if there is a problem we can fix it before her presentation.

The teacher responded with a look that implied I had saved the world from collapsing.

Duh!

Obtuse

This monitor is too big

I got a request to install a refurbished computer in a teacher's office; a desktop case with a 17 inch CRT monitor. We usually ask the teacher make room on their desk for the computer and monitor.

As part of the initial request, she told us that the monitor was very big, She was hoping that an LCD monitor would magically show up on her desk. That was NOT going to happen. This computer was essentially free to her and her department, her department was not going to buy a new monitor for a refurbished computer.

I went to her office to do the install, again she said that the monitor was very big and could she have an LCD (a direct request to me this time) I explained that she would have to ask her department chair, and if it was OK'd she would get an LCD.

I was told that there wasn't enough room on her desk for the computer and monitor, she would like a small table, could I find a small table for her...HUH?!?! I don't do tables.

I directed her to the correct department and suggested that when she gets the table I would return to install the computer for her.

The teacher was not pleased, but there wasn't much I could do.

Where is the punch line, that silly bit that makes this a head banger....

Wait for it.....

The computer was a desktop case and the monitor sits ON the case, taking up no more room than the computer. So while she waits for a small table, the computer sits on the floor gathering dust.

I doubt the computer will ever get installed.

I can't print

This is a common enough problem, with many potential causes.

Sometimes we need to add paper to a printer, or the toner needs to be replaced, sometimes a printer can break.We use a pay-to-print system, if you have no money in your account, nothing will happen when you try to print.

A student comes to us with a problem "I can't print".

We spend our time troubleshooting the problem, checking the printer, verifying that there is paper in the printer, and finally asking the student to log on and verify his print balance. "I can't do that, I can't logon" ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG

By this time the student is getting a bit upset because we can't fix the "printing" problem; he has a paper due in 10 minutes and is in a bit of a panic.

We have now spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what's wrong, only to find out that all we need to do is reset their password. This will take about 45 seconds.

It is at this point I want to throw a Fortran manual at the student's head

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Good morning A-------,

This morning you placed a call to our help-desk ostensibly claiming that you could not log-in and you were in the middle of an exam.When we responded we found your class working away watching YouTube videos on the net. The problem seemed to be that you were unable to log-in to your web based e-mail account. That service seems to be under some type of Denial of Service Attack today and the whole world is having trouble getting to their site.

If this was the case, I question your ability to diagnose computing problems. Perhaps, you should undertake some training? If you knowingly misdirected us, may I remind you of the parable about the boy who cried wolf. Our future responses could be long enough to ensure we will only find the bones.

Please, in the future, call us when you have a problem but don't inflate the urgency.

Help, My CD is stuck

This was about 10 years ago, when we still had some 486 computers without CD-ROM drives in a few of out labs.

A young lady asked for some help getting her CD out of the computer. No problem I think as I grab a handy-dandy CD removal tool, commonly called an unbent paperclip.

I ask her where she was working, she directs me to the lab with the oldest computers, those 486 machines without any CD-ROM drives i mentioned earlier.

I'm a bit confused, but I soldier on and ask her to direct me to the problematic computer.

This is going to be interesting I think to myself; The paperclip is NOT going to help.

She had managed to put the CD into the 5¼ inch disk drive.

HUH?!?!

I asked what she had done, she was just following her teacher's instructions.

When I asked why she didn't use one of the labs with the newer computers with the CD-ROM drives she told me that she had never used a computer before and didn't know any better. Why she didn't ask for help before is beyond me, but there are people like that.

I did my best to explain that we would have to dismantle the computer to get her CD out, and that it may not be usable once retrieved. She was upset and the prospect of losing her disk,

Well, not only did we have to remove the drive from the computer, a desktop case, we had to destroy the drive in the process.

She got her CD back, fortunately for her, it wasn't too damaged and worked properly in a computer with a CD-ROM drive.

Now we have a stack of CDs that people have forgotten in the labs